Attachment Styles - Getting Stuck in Unhelpful Boxes

Relationships are a lot more complicated than reading, writing, and arithmetic, yet we don't learn about them in school. While many people seem to just 'get' relationships, a lot of us struggle. And the roots of our struggles are misconceptions we sensibly formed in our childhoods. We just don't realize we can understand relationships differently as we grow. Why is it so hard to unlearn unhelpful ways of connecting with others?

We have internal working models (also called mental models) for all sorts of things, not just relationships, and a quality all mental models share is resistance to change. Afterall, they're not just mistaken definitions we can correct and move on. They're something we use, and if we're wrong, we have to rethink so much. For example, most 6 years think the Earth is basically flat because it looks like it. But grownups like teachers, their parents, and scientists say the Earth is round. But children don't simply give up their flat Earth belief. They go through several phases reconciling what the world looks like from their vantage point and what science reveals it actually is. By 5th grade (~11 years old) only about half actually grasp the Earth is ball-like (Vosniadou & Brewer, 1992). I personally remember thinking the Earth must be like a fishbowl with us inside and looking out to the stars.

The shape of the Earth is an objective truth. But relationships? Let's look at different attachment styles, how we can get caught in unhealthy cycles, and how we can change.

Attachment Styles are Internal Working Models; they're inside our minds ("internal"), we actively use them to solve problems ("working"), and they're simplifications of reality with the features we feel matter most ("models"). We form attachment styles in our childhood toward our primary caregivers and we keep the essence in our understanding as we broaden our model to new relationships throughout our lives.

In Psychology, we use "style" as a word for a category with lots of fuzziness. That is, we recognize a core similarity, but we know there's lots of diversity. People with the same style could look very different, whether we're discussing somebody with an "avoidant attachment style," a "permissive parenting style," or a "pessimistic attributional style." Keeping in mind relationships are way more complications, let's describe the three basic attachment styles first identified in infants and toddlers by Mary Ainsworth et al. (1978). In a study of adults, Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz (1991), found each attachment style is about as common in adults as toddlers: two-thirds secure, one-sixth avoidant, and one-sixth anxious-ambivalent. They created prototypical descriptions of each:

I like describing attachment styles with Disney's Frozen (2013) as a common cultural reference point and as a way of intuitively portraying insecure attachment without caricature.

Olaf represents secure attachment, he had unconditional love from his creators Anna and Else, and he wasn't present for less-than-healthy ways the girls grew up.

Else represents an avoidant attachment: There's something deeply wrong with me. My parents know it too. They get angry at me when I make mistakes, tell me to keep secrets from my sister, and everybody else. If anybody knew how defective I am, they'd see the unlovable monster I really am. Conceal - don't feel. I'll be safe as long as I don't need anybody else. I'll learn to be completely independent.

Anna represents an anxious-ambivalent attachment: I love my mom and dad and my sister. Then, suddenly, it wasn't fun or happy anymore. My parents decide something else is more important than me, whatever that is. I desperately miss my relationship, so whenever I find the slightest hint of affection I need to go after it, and hold as tightly as I can because who knows when it'll vanish. I have a happiest memory playing with my sister, building a snowman together one day, and the next, she just shut me out.

Highlighting just how 'fuzzy' our categories can be, many scholars of attachment will add another insecure attachment style - disorganized which is when we're either in between the two insecure attachment styles of avoidant and anxious-ambivalent or we bounce between the two, often unpredictable. Disorganized is the rarest and usually arises from erratic and traumatic experiences with childhood caregivers.

A fun way I'll get students talking, and solidifying their understanding of attachment styles, is breakout sessions where we identify more fictional characters representing the styles. When groups can't reach consensus about a character, we have a great example to discuss as a class. Here is a handout.

John Bowlby (1969) suggested attachment styles remain the same throughout our lifespans once they crystalize into an internal working model around 4 years old. Infants securely attached to their parents, becomes securely attached to friends, to crushes and romantic partners, to a spouse, and securely attach to their own children. The process behind this stability is canalization and it’s more intuitively understood with an insecure attachment style.

Let’s consider having an Anxious-Ambivalent Style. I choose Anxious-Ambivalent rather than Avoidant for dramatic effect because I’ll emote sadness and anxiety with my voice and body language. But please feel free to dramatize avoidance. I end the class segment by asking students to explain the other core insecure style with canalization. While dramatizing, I walk across the classroom non-verbally conveying a timeline, from stage left to stage right. Here is an outline of what I ad lib with lots of affect, often with examples given when we discussed the attachment styles.

Parent

Sometimes my parents are there for me. They change me, feed me, cuddle me to sleep. It’s wonderful. But then, suddenly, for no reason at all, they become cold. It makes no sense at all. I really need love so I’ll try everything I can to make the love last. I’ll hold tightly because I never know when it might disappear.

Friends

I’m older, a very big Kindergartner, and starting my first real friendships. But how do friendships work? With no previous friendships, I look to the most central relationships in my life – my parents. Will this friendship be unreliable too? I’d better cling tightly to make sure. Lots of times our friendship goes well. Yay!There’s conflict sometimes.That’s worrisome. I better absolutely avoid that because I don’t want my friendship to go away. But it’s frustrating they’re not being so accommodating. Sometimes I lose control, I lash out with my pent-up resentment, which my friend thinks comes from nowhere. Later my friend plays with someone else. Oh no, that’s a scary sign. I could love them! I better hold even tighter.

(asking the class) If I’m clinging like this, what happens to our friendship? (It falls apart.)

Oh no! You’re right! My friend isn’t my friend anymore.

So now what???

Rarely do students have clear responses, so I offer one. Maybe I go, “Wait a minute? I have a mistaken understanding of how relationships work. Let me step back and evaluate what assumptions I’ve made and how I might behave differently in the future.”

Students instantly recognize how unnatural and unlikely such a reaction is. And prompting with an absurd reaction, elicits natural reactions from students. And I can elaborate.

Of course not. Honestly, how astounding it is when anybody steps back and reconsiders their core beliefs. And that’s adults! How is a small child going to challenge their assumptions, or even notice they make them.Instead “I” react with:

See!!! I’m totally right. Relationships are unreliable. And I screwed up. So next time I’ll do even better holding on!

What happens to the next friendship, and the next, and the next? I keep digging myself deeper into a “canal” with ever more evidence confirming what I already “know” about relationships.

By now in class, I see lots of students having big, but quiet, emotional reactions while they’re seeing themselves and others in a new light.

Crushes and Romantic Relationships

Now I’m a teen. How do I date? Having never dated, how do I know what it’s like? (Friendships.)

Oh it’s kind of like a friendship.But it’s really fun, and new, with very intense feelings. And I love it! We spend so much wonderful time together. We fight a little, but I soothe over any hurt feelings to keep it going.

But wait a minute. My romantic partners wants to hang out with friends instead of me today. Oh no!What am I doing wrong? I better cling even tighter!

But what happens to my romantic relationship if I expect we’ll be completely enmeshed? (We break up).

Exactly! And I’m just even more convinced I know how relationships work.I mean, parents, friends, crushes.They’re all deep down the same.They’re so wonderful, but unreliable.But I’ll do better next time. I dug myself into a canal even deeper.

Spouse

My spouse is essentially a romantic relationship. Kind of. Just like studies show, insecure persons are much more likely to end up in committed relationships without marital satisfaction (e.g., Kirkpatrick & David, 1994; Davila & Bradbury, 2001). But I’ll accept what I can get. I mean, why would I expect anything different.This is just how relationships work.

Children

Now I’m a parent, I love my child so much. And they’re mine. This relationship will be different. And in lots of ways, it is. I feel so much love. But sometimes - no matter what I do - my baby won’t stop crying.

Oh no, my baby hates me!! (Students usually look surprised and I break character to say I actually had a conversation with new parent who told me her baby hates her.)

And if my baby hates me, then fine, whatever, cry it out! Breaking character I walk back to stage left and remind them how as a baby we sometimes lost our parents’ affection for no reason. We’re doing the same to our own child as the parent. It’s part of how attachment styles perpetuate through generations (e.g., Vaughn et al., 1979; Main, Kaplan, & Cassidy, 1985; Fraley, 2002).I return to my parent “mark.”

And it just continues. My teen screams, “I hate you.” And maybe in my ambivalence I withdraw. I’m insecurely attached to my child. But even worse than the hurt inside me, I’m unintentionally teaching my child to be insecurely attached like me.

By now, simply by chance we can expect a third of our class to look horrified as they self-reflect (pie chart). In my classes, it’s usually far more. So it’s very important not to leave class with students thinking they’re stuck in a never-ending unchangeable canal.Please time class so you’ll have plenty of time following the dramatization.

Emphasize how research shows that the canalization is not nearly as strong as Bowlby suggested. People really do change. Current events in someone’s life (e.g., parent’s death, divorce, a stable romantic relationship) matter more than attachments from years past so forming healthy relationships as adults helps us construct a new secure attachment style (e.g., Fraley, 2002).

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Psychology Press.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Fraley, R. C. (2002). Attachment stability from infancy to adulthood: Meta-analysis and dynamic modeling of developmental mechanisms. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 6(2), 123-151.

Main, M., Kaplan, N., & Cassidy, J. (1985). Security in infancy, childhood, and adulthood: A move to the level of representation. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50(1-2), 66-104.

Vaughn, B. E., Ligon, A. A., & Abelson, R. P. (1979). Patterns of attachment behavior in one-year-olds as a function of rearing experiences. Journal of Genetic Psychology, 135(2), 207-215.

Vosniadou, S., & Brewer, W. F. (1992). Mental models of the earth: A study of conceptual change in childhood. Cognitive Psychology, 24(4), 535-585.


Credits

I appreciate photographers, cosplayers, models, and artists who provide their creations with creative common's licenses. With the prototypical attachment style quotes, I put a modified version of photographs provided by Toa Heftiba, Princess Soffel, and Feusera. Thank you!

And thank you to Walt Disney Pictures for producing a film with complex insecurely attached characters.

Buck, C. (Producer), & Del Vecho, P. (Producer), & Lee, J. (Writer), & Paul, K. (Writer), & Buck, C. (Director). (2013). Frozen [Motion picture]. Walt Disney Pictures.